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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332432">Never Go Hungry</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witty_Clever_Username/pseuds/Witty_Clever_Username'>Witty_Clever_Username</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Homelessness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, The Prank</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:26:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,499</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332432</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witty_Clever_Username/pseuds/Witty_Clever_Username</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After the prank nothing is the same, the ministry is called, a werewolf has no place at Hogwarts, no place in wizarding society, no place in muggle society.</p><p>Remus is barely surviving of the outskirts of society when someone makes an unwelcome reappearance in his life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>101</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. It's a very hard fall, it's very cruel town</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus ran as fast as he could, sweat pouring down his forehead, breathing panting desperately for oxygen. His legs shook but still they carried him, faster and faster. He was only 19 but still his body felt far too old for this, a consequence enviably caused by it’s snapping into a different form every month. Life as he knew it depended on this though, running as fast as he fucking could and hoping to hell he made it somewhere before his pursuer caught up to him.</p><p>Adrenaline took control, pushing his body to limits it surely would have buckled at in normal circumstances. This wasn’t normal though, nothing about this fit in with his definition of normal. He had his prize, though was it worth it? Suppose it was rather life or death regardless. Should the adrenaline fail him now who knows what they’d do to him, but without this surely he’d not have made it through the next few nights.</p><p>He almost missed the alleyway he was running so quickly, but at the last moment he managed to turn into it with a rather painful slam against the stone wall of the building marking it’s entrance. It’s unlikely the store owner will follow him down here, needles riddle the ground, tents in various states of disrepair mark the homes of the cities less desirable residents, and a distinguishable odour fills the air, all working in tandem to keep those of means far from. Still Remus doesn’t slow, his body keeps pushing forward as if the magic that flows through his veins is assisting the adrenaline.</p><p>It’s one more turn and a quick push of a plywood board hung haphazardly by a single nail over an old broken window before he can jump in and allow his body to collapse. He can barely make it to the ancient stained couch, his body is so exhausted. A quick nap would be called for, only he now has something to guard and napping would not be wise. It’s not as if he knows or could trust many of the current residences of the warehouse he is squatting in.</p><p>So as tired as he is he does what he has too, he counts out the merger   10 pounds and change he has managed to grab from the mans till. It’s not a lot but it’s more than he’s had for ages. He didn’t want to take it, it was never something he’d seen himself doing, but he wasn’t able to find a job this month. There wasn’t much left he could resort to and theft seemed safer then the other options.</p><p>He had to eat, it’s merely a fact of life, should he choose to continue living he must eat. It’s been days, perhaps bordering on a week since his last meal. Hunger is powerful, it may seem easier to simply waste away, but starvation was so much more painful then he’d anticipated. Hopefully the man would forgive him once he’d seen how little he’d taken.</p><p>There is a little chip/kebab shop just down the way which would throw some pity towards him and serve him for half the price. The problem with that is it’s down the same way the angry shop keeper had chased him. However he did recall a pub near the proper entrance to the warehouse, proper in the way that most of it’s residence preferred to use this particular entrance.</p><p>The pub seemed the most logical choice, life had taught Remus that keeping money for longer then strictly necessary often caused more trouble then it was worth. His body groaned in protest with his movements, pain shooting through his muscles, but he could rest in the pub with a plate of warm food.</p><p>Thankfully the walk to the pub was short and uneventful. Only now he is left with the desperate hope that they will serve him, there being a particularly large homeless population in the area. Remus knows that by this point he looks particularly homeless, unwashed clothes that he found outside one of those donate bins, hair probably rather matted and certainly not recently cleaned, and he doesn’t even want to imagine how he smells.</p><p>“No, none of your kind in here! I lose enough money from you lot running off with full bellies!” His fears are confirmed as he walks through the pub door and the old man who owns the building is instantly blocking his entrance.</p><p>“I have money, I can pay ahead” Remus offers to the man, showing him the notes. He needs to eat, Merlin this is embarrassing but if he doesn’t eat now he’s not sure his weathered body will hold on much longer. The full moon is only days away and the wolf takes so much energy. </p><p>“No, I’ll have none of your kind in here scaring off my customers” The old man is holding the door for him, and he really just doesn’t have the energy to fight, his run earlier had depleted him of more energy then he’d realized. He leaves the pub feeling he’s come to the end of something.</p><p>His body is exhausted and he really can’t imagine looking for another place that may serve him, maybe it’s better he doesn’t. It’s not a new thought, just give up, the next full moon will claim him. He can just make it to the ministry holding cells, wait for the moon and then fade with it, dreaming of the days he could simply summon food.</p><p>“Get on” A voice is interrupting Remus’ acceptance of his fate. It takes him a moment to see the owner of the voice sat on a motorcycle holding a helmet towards him.</p><p>“Sorry Mate, I don’t do that kind of work” He answers the man, though he’s wondering if it’s about time he starts picking up that kind of employment. Surely it’s better then simply fading and where ever this man takes him may have a shower. There’s no shame in sex work anyways, it’s just not something he’d ever seen himself doing. Then again he had never seen himself as a petty thief and at least the man looked fit, even through his leather jacket.</p><p>“Remus, get on the fucking bike” The man speaking his name startles him, he hasn’t heard his own name from someones mouth since his mother passed two years ago. Most of his street acquaintances didn’t ask, if they did he gave them a fake name and to the ministry he was simply ‘Werewolf #29453C’</p><p>“Who..” He’s working his way through asking as the man takes off his helmet and he loses all breath from his lungs. The sight in front of him is one he hasn’t seen since he was 16, though the man has aged since then his features are unmistakable.</p><p>“Sirius”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello, I'm actually making a chapter fic!<br/>This is my <a href="https://writing-wrongs-and-singing-songs.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a><br/>Title is a song by Hole, and the chapter title is a lyric from said song<br/>I hope you guys enjoy it!<br/>Thank you to Justtoarguewithyou for the kind offer to beta this.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I'm hungry for a life a little less cruel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw for this chapter, brief mention of self injury</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Sirius.”<br/>
It’s a name Remus had never thought would ever escape his mouth again. In fact, he’d done everything short of electric shock therapy to erase all thoughts of Sirius from his mind. He had come as close as he could to the concept one particularly rough morning after the full moon had ripped his body to pieces, Sirius filling his mind like an addiction. He had been looking at himself in the bathroom mirror of his parents' place, fingers tracing the scar Sirius helped create and he couldn’t handle it anymore. Suddenly he was smashing his head against the porcelain sink, over and over until blood was flowing freely from his face.</p><p>Still, thoughts of Sirius had persisted, and he was merely rewarded with additional cuts and bruises. There had been more fallout from that incident and he had in turn blamed Sirius as he packed a bag to leave his parents home. The pain his father had gone through after his mother's death, and then he had to find his son unconscious and bloody; he couldn’t do that to the man who’d sacrificed so much to raise him. So he left, and blamed Sirius for every second of it.<br/>
Now the man stood in front of him like the saviour of the goddamn starved and homeless, offering to take him fuck knows where. Was food and potentially a shower even worth this?<br/>
“Remus, get on the bike.”<br/>
“No.”</p><p>Hearing Sirius speak seemed to have rejuvenated him, he was no longer moving on adrenaline or a desperation for nutrition, but now he moved off of the ground in front of the pub fuelled by a burning anger.<br/>
He wasn’t sure where his destination would be but he had to get away. His feet seemed to find an energy that would have shocked him had he not been so consumed by his fury. Sirius Black had ruined his life, he ruined everything, used him like a killing machine to destroy his enemies and left him an uneducated, disgraced werewolf. Sure, the ministry hadn’t imprisoned him, but short of that, what life was he left with?</p><p>His wand was confiscated and he was swiftly removed from school grounds. What would Sirius have to say of his life now? He’d probably just point out that he was still breathing, it was for no thanks to Sirius. James Potter had stopped him from becoming a murderer, not Sirius.</p><p>Remus hasn’t turned back to see if Sirius has left, he doesn’t need to, the wolf inside of him is screaming ‘Pack!’ It’s been years, and still he can feel Sirius’ proximity as if they were still sharing a dorm.</p><p>“Remus stop!”<br/>
“Why?”<br/>
“At least let me buy you dinner, yeah?” Sirius' voice sounds desperate, which is a rather pleasing sound to his ears right now. Remus would happily let him suffer, ditch him around the next alley way. If there is one thing street life has taught him, it’s how to disappear. If not for the soul-sucking hunger pulling through his sunken stomach, he’d have taken that course of action.</p><p>“I have money.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, if I buy now you’ll be able to eat later.”</p><p>“Who says I can’t?” Maybe not multiple pub meals but he can certainly afford a couple of cheap takeaways if he’s careful. He needs a proper meal though, and that’s what Sirius’ offer involves, a real meal.</p><p>“I watched you get kicked out of the fucking pub, just let me buy you dinner...Please?” Sirius looks pitiful as he says it, not that he has any right to expect pity from him and Remus was not about to offer him any.</p><p>A meal doesn’t amount to giving Sirius anything; no, a meal is mere survival. A necessary evil to ensure what? That he keeps wandering month after month? Push off starvation for one more month? Only it’s not so simple to give up, logic will fade once he’s trying to sleep and his stomach will demand sustenance, overwhelming his brain until he is reduced to pure animal instinct.</p><p>“Fine, but it better be a damn good meal.” He says it, but the reality is that his and Sirius’ definition of a good meal likely vary to extremes. Sirius could take him to any fucking place and it’d be the best meal he’s had in ages.</p><p>It doesn’t particularly matter, the point is he’ll wind up with a full belly, and Sirius, ever the vain one, will have to sit with him in a restaurant. Part of Remus is ashamed by the way he looks, certainly ashamed of the smell that must come off of him, but in this very case it does offer a small revenge.</p><p>Remus is almost surprised when they arrive back at the bike and Sirius offers him the helmet once more, almost. Had Sirius known anything about homelessness he’d have been more shocked, but no Sirius would never understand something like this. Money had always come frivolously to Sirius, he doesn’t know about the bugs that make their home within his clothes and body, he doesn’t know that the arms that will wrap around him are covered in a rash that only frequent bathing might dissipate. As much as he hates Sirius, he doesn’t want him to find out any of this.</p><p>“Can’t we walk?”<br/>
“I don’t really know the area, and you asked for someplace nice.” Sirius looks around the streets with a certain look that anyone of money always gets when they enter just such an area in the East End. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Sirius can insult the place all he wants, after a meal he’ll never see him again.<br/>
There isn’t time for standing around to argue, he wants this done with, and Sirius out of his life once more. Though the deciding factor has more to do with the way his stomach twinges as he steps onto the bike, even that movement is becoming far too taxing for his body. Sirius to his only credit seems to take the hint and starts the bike immediately, removing the chance to escape as it roars to life and begins moving.</p><p>There was a lot Remus could have imagined for today, his arms wrapped around the man who ruined his life as he naively allowed him to drive fuck knows where, was not one. He’d woken up with the decision to commit a small crime in the name of survival, though he was well aware that should he be caught the consequences would be severe.</p><p>Certainly any average homeless youth caught stealing faced myriad penalties: jail, probation, beating, and so on. However, he wasn’t just some homeless youth, was he? The ministry had given him conditions, even the act of petty theft of a muggle would violate the terms of his release. He was to be invisible, law-abiding to a fault. Werewolves deemed potentially dangerous were watched; he was watched. There would have been no muggle jail for him.</p><p>He was willing to risk everything for some food, every option his mind could have feasibly come up with, Sirius Black was not one. Part of him still wanted to let go and allow his body to plummet off the side of the far-too-fast-moving motorcycle, rather than face a few more minutes with him.</p><p>The worst part of having his arms wrapped tightly around the man, that is to his mind, he is still the boy he remembered. Remus had never fallen out of love with him, just as he’d never been able to completely erase him from his thoughts. Certainly he hated him with his very being, but still, he loved him. In those first few months at home, he would destroy every picture, everything Sirius had ever touched, only to beg his father to repair every last item.</p><p>The ride seemed to drag on for far longer than necessary as his thoughts drifted. Whatever Sirius’ game plan was, it was decidedly dangerous had he known just how close to losing consciousness Remus had been when he had run into him. Perhaps the choice of whether he ended up splattered across the road would be taken from him if this carried on </p><p>It must have been later than he had realized because as the bike pulled onto a cobblestone road, Remus registered that the sun was rather close to setting. It could have been that he’d gone too far into his exhausted mind and they’d been driving for longer then he’d known, but that seemed unlikely for a simple meal, nice as the meal may be.</p><p>He can’t see any restaurants, it’s rather residential and there is something in the air, something he hasn’t felt in as long a time as he’d been living rough. No, he has felt it—once a month when he makes his way to the ministry—it’s magic. There is the overwhelming feeling of magic in the area they’ve pulled into.</p><p>He barely has time to whisper a quick ‘Shit’ as they pull up not to a restaurant or pub, but to a quaint house. Time being ripped from him as someone is suddenly grabbing onto him.</p><p>“I found him, Prongs! I found him!” Sirius is shouting at the person, Sirius’ words bringing a sudden awareness to his mind. He knows now where he is, he knows exactly what Sirius has done.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi! once again the chapter title for this is from Hole's Never Go Hungry.<br/>Hope you guys like it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. You’re no comfort to me now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus allowed James to full bodily pull him off of the motorcycle, arms remaining in a tight hug around Remus’ body. Had he been in a more aware state he surely would have fought off the intrusion.</p><p> </p><p>How long had it been since he’d been hugged? Not violently grabbed, not searched for stolen goods, just hugged. The feeling was rather disorienting to his already foggy mind. James’ smell overwhelming his common sense, the smell still felt so familiar, still carried to his mind that feeling of home. It shouldn’t, it hasn’t been his life in a long time.</p><p> </p><p>“James, Let him go he needs to eat!” Another voice is saying, a voice he recognizes just as easily as James’ scent; It’s Peter’s voice.</p><p> </p><p>James’ arms leaving his body seems to clear his mind, allowing his logical thoughts to return. Why was this happening? Why now of all times? He hadn’t heard a word from any of them in years and now suddenly it was as if no time had passed. All four Marauders together as if nothing had happened, he’d dreamt about it before. A snap shot out of a life that could have been right before him. This isn’t his life now, He is no longer the fourth Marauder.</p><p> </p><p>“You” Remus tries to put all of his contempt into the word as he points a shaking finger towards Sirius. Sirius looks shocked at the tone, as if he’d been expecting Remus to weep with gratitude over the stunt.</p><p>“You owe me a fucking meal, then you're taking me home”</p><p> </p><p>His legs shakily move him towards the front door, fuelled only be pure spite. The three men stare at him in a sort of stunned silence, but he has no intentions of sitting around some driveway as a form of entertainment for curious neighbours. He’s getting his goddamn meal.</p><p> </p><p>His arrival at the front door seems to spur them to life as James’ dashes in front of him to open the door, inviting him in. This must be James’ house, though it wouldn’t surprise him if all three live here. What does surprise him as he’s lead through the house is how well kept it seems to be. Nice decor fills the walls of the spotless dwelling, nothing similar to the messy dorm room they once shared. It’s likely they have learnt cleaning spells since he was expelled, but still he wouldn’t have anticipated such a well designed home.</p><p> </p><p>James’ leads him into what appears to be a kitchen, however his mind loses any sense of observation once he arrives. His eyes are directly drawn to a basket full of freshly baked croissants, Laid out as if expecting some honoured guest.</p><p> </p><p>There is this little bakery he often passes while looking for work, it’s homely and quaint with fresh baked goods lined up in the window, tempting passerby's. His mouth waters every time he passes, begging his hands to reach out and grab one of the goods blocked from him by the glass. This reminds him of it, out of display for the welcomed customers, yet barred from the likes of him through the glass.</p><p> </p><p>“Feel free to take a croissant while we finish making dinner” Peter tells him in such a friendly tone, as if he is that honoured guest, expected and provided for. Is this what they think? They can just kidnap him, offer baked goods and everything will go back to as it was before?</p><p> </p><p>It’s a sheer act of defiance, and pure will power as he marches past the croissants, straight to the fridge. At first it’s a lesson, to teach them what it means to bring a homeless man into their home, to teach them he is not the friend they believe him to still be. However once he’s opened the fridge it’s animal instinct that takes over. He ravages through it’s contents, sticking bits of food into his mouth as he searches. Until his eye’s land on a box of leftover pizza, pulling it from the fridge.</p><p> </p><p>They watch him as he places the box onto the counter beside the croissants. Yet still they say nothing as they watch opened mouth as he sticks piece after piece into his mouth. It’s about four slices before he has to stop himself, his body still craving for more but he knows what will happen if he ingests more then his body can handle, he’s learned that lesson too many times. Still he’s not about to waste the opportunity, so he folds the last two slices and shoves them into his pocket.</p><p> </p><p>“Lets go” He command Sirius as he starts making his way back to the motorcycle. This isn’t a social visit, he’s had his meal and has no desire to stay any longer.</p><p> </p><p>“Moony, Wait!” Sirius’ cry stops him mid step in the hallway outside of the kitchen. The nickname reverberating through him, making him see red. How dare he? How dare Sirius use that name.</p><p> </p><p>“Stop! Moony is dead! I’m not your fucking Moony! Moony fucking died Sirius, Moony died the day you sold out his secret for a cheap fucking joke!” He is screaming now in the middle of some strangers well designed hallway, but he finds he can’t stop now he’s started.</p><p>“What did you think? You’d bring me here and I’d forget? Moony would be resurrected by the tiniest bit of kindness? We’d get the fucking band back together? Well fuck you Sirius, Moony is dead!”</p><p> </p><p>“Remus, I..”</p><p> </p><p>“No! Remus is dead too! Remus died the day he buried his mother, without a single word from any of you! I’m not Moony or Remus any more!”</p><p> </p><p>“What should I call you then? Because I don’t particularly care, I’m just damn glad to see you” A voice from behind him interrupts his rage. He doesn’t need to turn around to know the voice; Lily, Fiery, yet sweet, Lily. Why is Lily’s voice here in James’ house? Does it matter? Does it make a difference?</p><p> </p><p>Still he has to see her, he spins around far too quickly to take in the sight. She’s still the same, red hair flowing passed her shoulders, kind look held in her eyes. Lily. Lily who sent him letter after letter, long after he started sending them back unread. Lily who showed up at his mothers funeral, bouquet in hand, only to be ignored and still afterwards, more letters came with Lily’s script carefully spelling out his name.</p><p> </p><p>“Lils”</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t call you Lils it’d be too confusing” It’s a stupid joke, but it feels so Lily that it causes him to bark out into laughter. He’d have expected it to have been just a short little snort at the joke, but what comes out is a manic sound that shows no sign of stopping. Everything has been too much and he feels like his brain is about to snap, maybe it is. Maybe this laughter is his break from reality, it’d be so typical for Sirius to have caused the chain of events that snap him over the edge into madness.</p><p> </p><p>Lily seems to patiently wait for his breakdown of maniacal laughter to stop, her face never changing. No stunned look gracing her appearance like the others. He’s actually shocked when it does abate, sure that it’d been a new break from reality.</p><p> </p><p>“I’d like to hug you, but you need a bath first No-Name” Lily grabs his arm guiding him, and he’s simply shocked that he goes along with it. He should just run, this is all too much. He doesn’t though he allows Lily to guide him into a bathroom, his mind to foggy to focus on much of anything.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll bring you some clean clothes, throw yours outside the door and I’ll wash them while you’re in the bath” Lily’s comment seems to be the end of the conversation as she leaves the room, leaves him in this strange bathroom he’d allowed himself to be dragged to.</p><p> </p><p>A bath does sound nice, regardless of the fact that he should be running. Apparently Lily had pulled out all kinds of bath stuff while his brain caught up to the situation, bottles of various kinds lined up on the side of the tub. His hands wander over them picking up some hair product, he recognizes it, James’ fathers hair tonic. Funny thing about this bottle is it cost more then he’s ever owned, even if he spent all of the money he’d had when he left home, he’d not have had enough to buy this stupid hair product.</p><p> </p><p>That’s the kind of home he’s been brought to, one who spends frivolously on hair products, enough to allow a homeless man to freely use them. He’s a man with free pizza in his pocket, and they are the kinds of people who wouldn’t even notice if he used all of their expensive crap. It’s a different world, they spent countless dollars on bath products where as he can hardly remember the last time he’d squatted in a place with running water.</p><p>Remus can’t stop himself from giving in though, clean clothes and body are far too good to pass up, he can return to his world once he’s clean. He places his clothes outside the door but takes the pizza for a bath time snack. It’s possible he’ll overload his stomach, but it doesn’t matter anymore because this bathroom gives him an idea, a way to turn this situation around to his advantage. He can think about it later though, after he’s clean.</p><p> </p><p>The bath is so warm and inviting to his tired body, water flowing over him at a consistence temperature that muggle plumbing could never achieve. His mind wanders in the tub, allowing him to try to process all that’s happened. It’s hard to imagine that he’d woke up this morning with the sole concept of getting enough money for a meal, and he’d ended up in a different life time.</p><p> </p><p>Remus’ mind slips into places only the calm of water seems to allow. Unfortunately with this Sirius floods his every thought, every feeling he’d managed to avoid under his anger grips his mind now. The more he relaxes, the more complicated thoughts plague him.</p><p> </p><p>Sirius betraying him, ruining everything, changing him, these thoughts he can’t stop. Years he’d spent ignoring all thoughts of the man, years that in one day Sirius has destroyed. Sirius must be expecting forgiveness having brought him here, he will be disappointed, Rightfully so. Remus has no intentions to stay here, this isn’t his life anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Still his mind travels to thoughts of how good Sirius smelt, how his body felt so wonderful pressed against him on the motorcycle. The power Sirius still holds over his body becoming painfully obvious as his mind drifts down this line of thought.</p><p> </p><p>Fuck, he hates Sirius so much and he hates himself equally for how little control he has. His hand instinctively reaching to relieve the evidence of Sirius’ control over him. All through the years he’d been able to keep Sirius out of his mind as he pleasured himself, waged war to keep him out. Yet now with the feeling of Sirius’ body against his so fresh in his mind, he finds himself unable to imagine anything else.</p><p> </p><p>His hand picks up speed in stroking his enlarged cock, as his mind relives the feeling of his arms wrapped around Sirius’ taunt muscles. He can’t help but picture Sirius’ mouth replacing his hand, how he’d tangle his hand in Sirius’ long hair, how Sirius would lick and tease, before taking him fully into his mouth. It isn’t long before he’s cummed at the thought, shame rapidly replacing his lust as his orgasm clears from his mind.</p><p> </p><p>He really needs to leave this place, it stirs up too much. Remus had thought all of this was behind him, it’s not fair to allow himself this, to believe in second chances. Perhaps in another lifetime but he knows now how cruel life can be, this is a fallacy and not one he’d like to indulge. He’s not naive enough to believe staying here any longer will offer him anything but pain.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Once more all chapter titles are taken from Hole's Never Go Hungry.<br/>Changed this story from light angst to just angst for bits added into this chapter and the previous one, to make it feel a bit more realistic.<br/>Hope you guys enjoy, had to partially re-write this as my computer crashed soo I hope it captured the flow well 🙂</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Survived this mess you’ve made</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus’ hands shake as he pulls open the cabinet, it’s not that he feels overtly bad for what he’s about to do—they asked for it, right? They brought him here, to shove their wealth in his face. This was their fault; he shouldn’t feel bad. Still, they had once meant the world to him. He has to, though; there is no other choice if he wants change, right?</p>
<p>The problem with a wizard’s medicine cabinet is that all of the potentially profitable muggle drugs are replaced by potions and spells. None of which will earn him the money he desperately needs. The contents of the cabinet are useless to him.</p>
<p>Remus knows he needs to hurry if he plans on finding something of any value. He took far longer in the bath and in getting dressed then he had intended. Surely someone will be upstairs soon to check on him. The medicine cabinet proving useless, he now needs to find a bedroom. He leaves the bathroom, careful to shut the door as quietly as possible behind him.</p>
<p>The second door Remus opens leads him to his intended destination, a large comfortable bed fit for royalty centers the room as he makes his way inside. There must be something in here he can pinch. He’s focused on his goal, opening drawers in the wardrobe and searching its contents when something catches his attention. It’s a standard wizarding photo on the wall beside the wardrobe, a couple looking at him with pleasant smiles before leaning in for a kiss. The people in the photo shock him though, as he stares at Lily and James’ smiling faces.</p>
<p>His heart skips a few beats as he looks at the photo. It’s not a portrait; it’s not about to tattle on him. That’s not why his heartbeat is erratic. It’s James’ arms wrapped around Lily; he’s kissing Lily. He can almost hear James’ voice cracked with puberty telling him ‘I know we’re made for each other Rem, one day you’ll see.’</p>
<p>He picks the photo up off the wall. This is wrong he shouldn’t be taking this. He came in here to steal something of value; this has no value to anyone but its owners. He shoves the photo into his coat and tries to ignore what he’s just done as he keeps searching. He finds nothing of value that he could easily hide, so he moves on, ignoring the frame pressed against his chest.</p>
<p>The next room he opens is another bedroom, one he hesitates to step into. He can’t help but wonder once again if they all live here, with Lily, James and Lily. The smell coming from the room tells him exactly who’s room this is and, as much as he’d rather not step foot into Sirius’ bedroom, the Blacks do have lots of money and heirlooms. Luckily, he doesn’t have to look hard as a box sits on top of the dresser in the room—a black box with gold inlay. It’s a rather nice surprise to find the box unlocked, and one look at its contents tells him he’s found his prize. He tips its contents into his pocket. Coins, rings and various assorted items of value fall haphazardly into his pocket.</p>
<p>He should rush out, leave now that he’s secured his immediate future. Only there is another photo, calling to him from Sirius’ nightstand. He walks closer to the photograph, picking it up to examine it. He’d recognized it from across the room, he doesn’t need to look to know but still it’s begging him to take a glance. His own face smiles at the camera, scar-free, Sirius’ arm is wrapped around him, looking not to the camera but at him. James and Peter are sitting beside them, James messing with Peter’s hair as Peter grimaces at the action. The marauders, happy and carefree. He throws the photo into his jacket with the other, trying very hard not to think about why he is taking these.</p>
<p>It’s time to leave. He’s clean, fed, and stolen goods line his pockets. Now he has no use for any of them. It’s time to go. Once he’s out of the room he allows himself to walk with heavier steps down the stairs, letting them hear his approach.</p>
<p>“Time to go,” Remus says, as he walks into the living space, as all of their eyes are drawn to him.</p>
<p>“You can stay if you want,” Peter offers, sounding as nervous as he had in first year. Merlin, he really has to get out of here, too many memories.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to, I want to go home. So unless you’re about to turn this into a full blown kidnapping, I’ll be leaving.”</p>
<p>“Rem, please stay,” Lily pleads, though she walks over to hand him his now clean donation-bin clothes.</p>
<p>“I’ll send you a letter Lils, but I’m going.” He knows it’s a lie, he has no intention of contacting any of them, and he can tell by Lily’s face that she does not believe him. Her arms wrap around him regardless. He’s a bit panicked that she may feel the stolen items he has hidden in his jacket, but if she does she says nothing as she releases him.</p>
<p>He isn’t one for goodbyes. If a ride wasn’t necessary he’d have likely snuck out one of the windows. However, the best he can do in this area is walk out to wait by the bike. It’s still better than a lingering goodbye.</p>
<p>Sirius surprises him by quickly meeting him at the motorcycle. He says nothing as they get on and start driving. Lily must have talked to him, or maybe the pizza scenario knocked some sense into his thick skull. He can feel the photo frames pushed up against his chest as they drive, aggravating him with thoughts of why he’d taken them and further panicking him at the thought of Sirius discovering them. If he’s honest with himself he’d rather Sirius find the stolen items then the photographs; he has no explanation for the photos.</p>
<p>It’s quite a long drive back to the particular shit hole section of the East End where he’s currently staying. Rather a waste, considering he’ll have to make it to the ministry in a couple days. There are cheap, stained motel rooms in the area though, and he doesn’t trust squatting with a pocketful of expensive jewelry. He’ll have to pawn some in order to pay for a room but it’s preferable to losing the lot.</p>
<p>It doesn’t come as much of a surprise when Sirius pulls over, not quite at their destination. It’s close, he can tell by the rundown buildings and the vague sense of familiarity he has, he must have been through this area once or twice looking for work. Though it holds more of a middle ground, not quite as run down as the places he frequents, but by no means an upper or even middle class neighbourhood. They’ve stopped in front of an old style house, rather large with a sign in front declaring it a B&amp;B, there is no way he could afford to stay here, the place he’d planned to stay has hourly rates.</p>
<p>“I can’t stay here.”</p>
<p>“I’m paying,” Sirius informs him in a tone that implies it is a statement of fact, not to be argued with. Fuck that, he isn’t the pushover he once was.</p>
<p>“No you're not. Take me home.”</p>
<p>“Remus, just let me do this. I won’t contact you. Just let me buy you a room for a few days,” Sirius begs.</p>
<p>“No. I don’t take handouts!” Remus is starting to get rather agitated by this—Sirius’ belief that he can just show up more than three years later and somehow fix him.</p>
<p>“So it’s fine to steal from us, but you draw the line at an offer of help?” Sirius’ words throw him a bit, not necessarily that he’d been caught, but more so that if he’d been caught he hadn’t been called out earlier.</p>
<p>“How did...? No, uh. Fine. Take it back, but you better take me home.” He fumbles idiotically while reaching into his pocket to give Sirius back the items he’d taken. He wasn’t typically a petty thief anyhow; he’d been feeling terribly guilty for it the whole ride back, but he had to survive somehow, and he was so damn mad at them it felt well-deserved.</p>
<p>He’s shocked when Sirius reaches out to stop his hand, keeping it firmly placed on the stolen items but still within the confines of his pocket.</p>
<p>“Keep it, but I’m still paying for the room. There’s no shame in accepting help, Remus.”</p>
<p>“What the hell would you know?” Remus can’t stand the idea of Sirius Black giving him advice when the man belongs to one of the richest goddamn families in the Wizarding community. Sirius has never wanted for anything, so really, what the hell does he know?</p>
<p>“I know, Rem.”</p>
<p>“Don’t call me that, and you don’t know shit! You’ve had a trust fund from the day you were conceived!”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well I gave it up!” Sirius yells back at him. Remus is truly baffled by the words, though he probably shouldn’t be. Sirius’ family had always been cruel and demanding of the free-spirited boy. It’s not much of a surprise that Sirius wouldn’t have put up with it this long. If he’s honest he’s really only baffled because he’d been fighting himself not to think of the man as a person, to never link their pasts to anything in the present.</p>
<p>“Whatever,” Sirius says. “Just...I’m going in there to pay for a fucking room, your choice if you stay or not.” Sirius stomps off into the B&amp;B. Maybe he should leave now, but the promise of a free breakfast, a bed and a hot shower are powerful motivators.</p>
<p>Is he really ready to accept help from Sirius? Sirius ruined his damn life. This doesn’t mean he has accepted Sirius back into his life though. It’s just the prospect of a free place to stay, it has nothing to do with Sirius... If the man is so desperate to fix his mistakes, where the hell was he three years ago?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. It's time for me, yeah, to take a stand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’d been two weeks; two weeks since Sirius Black waltzed back into his life. Two weeks since he had unceremoniously left Remus at the B&amp;B with a key to a room; two weeks of having a solid breakfast and a mini fridge partially full of groceries; and two weeks of an old framed, wizarding photograph falling down every few hours.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now time was up, the two weeks that had been paid for as Remus sulked outside were officially over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were times during those two weeks where he’d thought about laying back and wasting the time out of pure spite towards Sirius. The problem with that plan was that Sirius wasn’t the person who’d be hurt. Once again, he’d be the one losing out. He was washed, shaved and able to scrub his two outfits clean after each use. It was an opportunity he’d not encountered since he’d left his parents house, and not one to be squandered.</span>
</p>
<p><span>Remus had always had everything working against him when it came to finding employment. He couldn’t work any jobs in the wizarding community due to his status as a registered werewolf, and muggle jobs were unlikely to hire a dirty homeless man with no relevant muggle education. The jobs he would occasionally pick up had typically been day jobs for people looking for cheap labour, not ones that afforded him more than a couple days' meals. Now he was clean, it was a small thing but it was one less thing</span> <span>fighting against him.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>The B&amp;B was small and quaint, six rooms managed by an elderly couple, Margret and John. Six rooms that he’d learnt provided precious little income for the owners. The owners themselves cooked every breakfast, cleaned every room, managed every facet of the B&amp;B. Remus had discovered this as he sat for breakfast every morning, the owners joining him at the one and only dining table. They were gentle, kind souls, but not those who could afford an employee, much less lose valuable space.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At first, he had intended to help them out, prove his worth and hope for an extended stay. He’d quickly learned this would not be a feasible plan. Still, he continued to help around the B&amp;B every evening after his search for work proved fruitless, and in turn they had rewarded him with an offer he couldn’t have possibly refused.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It came as quite a shock to him when two days ago they’d asked him to stay after the other guests left the breakfast area. The offer they’d made had blown away any of his expectations, He’d hoped only for a few more days in order to find work. Instead they had told him of a friend of the family, one who owned a pub in Hackney. Remus couldn’t speak as they laid out a job and a small back office where he could stay temporarily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Nuffin’ fancy, but a place ter kip ‘til ya land on yer feet’ Margret had told him as she had placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So here he was, two weeks since he’d begun his stay at the B&amp;B packing his meager belongings, not to go back to his life of squatting but to start his new job. It felt almost unbelievable, wonderful and exciting. Really, he should be beyond happy; and he probably would be, except for Sirius.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus couldn’t help feeling that he now owed Sirius. It felt tremendously terrible. His hatred for the man has run deep through his veins for so long he doesn’t know how to process this emotion. These last few days had felt like going for a long pleasant summer drive only to be caught in traffic an hour from home, Sirius had become his traffic jam. It’s not like the love he still feels for Sirius, that runs deeper and intertwines with his hatred, this is new. Like a disgust, a shame, that is laced with gratitude. His feelings for Sirius had always been complex, and this new layer did nothing to uncomplicate them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The photo tipped over on the nightstand beside the bed seems to once again be calling to him as he mused over his feelings for Sirius. The damn photo never stands up for long and causes him extreme annoyance, yet he keeps out. Four Marauders stare at him every time he picks it up, he wants to throw the fucking thing against the wall, destroy it like he had destroyed the photos of his Hogwarts days. Something stops him, forces him to shove the photo into the plastic bag he packs his stuff into.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His stuff doesn’t take nearly long enough to pack: an extra outfit, two photos, and the items he’d stolen from Sirius’ room. It’s everything he’d come here with, he’d sold none of it, only spending the money he’d stolen for a few groceries. He’d keep the items he’d stolen for now, should he need them, if not he’d send them back as a way to alleviate some of the guilt.</span>
</p>
<p><span>John had purchased him a bus ticket to get to Hackney, a kindness he’d felt undeserving</span> <span>of. John had told him it was in payment for the work he’d done around the B&amp;B, as</span> <span>though the job opportunity had not been payment enough. The ticket price was not exorbitant as it wasn't a long trip, but he knew how the couple struggled, in turn this piece of paper felt as if it were made out of solid gold.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>Remus could delay no longer, he had to leave now. He’d felt such a weight in leaving the B&amp;B. It’d become more of a home to him then any place he had stayed since he’d left his parents house. Even so, he had an opportunity waiting for him, and he could no longer afford to stay here.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>An hour after leaving the B&amp;B, Remus found himself staring at a room in the attic of an old weather-beaten pub. This room had been offered to him as lodgings in return for a rather hefty pay cut. It felt enormous. It was just a tiny room with space enough for a single bed and a table. Yet to Remus, it felt like the king's quarters. The woman who greeted him at the pub had a no nonsense attitude as she’d shown him around. She left him with the key to the room—a key to his own room!, a room he was told he’d have to earn tomorrow. Elation filled him when he’d opened the door. This was his. Home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The room had once been used as accommodations for intoxicated customers. Now due to the need for an extra body working in the pub and the room bringing little income, it was his in exchange for the agreed upon pay cut. Remus had never thought such a shabby room could ever look so wonderful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d precious few items, but still he set them lovingly in the room. Folding his second outfit and placing it inside the drawer of the bedside table, along with the items he’d stolen from Sirius. The photos he placed on top where they’d be on display from nearly every corner of the small room. Having the photos displayed made him feel in a way more human, though the subjects within confused and irritated him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Having set up the room, he’d figured he may as well celebrate. The meal the pub owner had offered to him would surely do the trick. The offer of free food was something he’d never turn down, the smell was intoxicating to him from the minute he’d stepped foot into the pub and he lacked the strength to resist such an offer any longer. Remus locked the door to his room before heading down, a small thing but it put a large smile onto his face. He stared at the tiny silver coloured key in his hand before placing it carefully into his pocket. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus ate a large meal of greasy fish and chips until he felt pleasantly full then returned to his room with sleep in mind. He must have placed the photo too close to the edge of the table, as the sight that greets him as he enters the room is smashed glass covering the faces of his previous life, staring up at him from the floor. A closer look at the photo brings an instant grimace to his features as he looks down at the once clear vision of his boyhood face, now a deep crack forms over it as if trying to imitate the scars that would soon grace the child’s face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d partially considered leaving the photo in that state, but once again he’d felt a powerful draw to it. The broken frame somehow makes the feeling stronger. Now he felt compelled to touch the photo. Every part of him screamed to pick it up. He could not possibly ignore it. His hands visibly shook as he picked up the photograph.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Glass fell haphazardly onto the floor, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He had to look at the photo, had to examine the frame. A small crack at the opening on the back drew his attention almost immediately. The photo had never sat right, and now he can see a bulge in the back of the frame. He’s almost frantically pulling open the back, fingers prying into the old metal frame, ignoring the way the thin metal almost cuts into their flesh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It opens with a sharp sudden pop as dozens of small slips of paper flutter around him, released suddenly from the confines of the frame. Anxiety overwhelms him at the sight, though he’s not quite sure why. The papers are small, only an inch or two in size. Having lived without magic for so long, it surprises him once he grabs the first paper from the pile scattered on the floor and it enlarges in his hand —it is not merely a piece of paper, but an unopened letter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Remus Lupin’ magically appearing in Lily’s neat cursive stared back at him on the front of the enlarged envelope. These are letters, the ones he’s sent back unopened!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why were they hidden in a picture owned by Sirius? Why had they been kept? His mind is reeling with a thousand questions and the feeling that he’s somehow being deceived once again. It’s pure curiosity  that is the only thing stopping him from chucking the lot in the bin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His hands searched through the letters, trying to find the first one. But he kept finding himself drawn to one particular letter written two weeks ago, the date on the envelope glaring at him since he’d allowed himself to first grab it. He had to use all of his will power to continue his search until he lands on one dated a month after his expulsion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His first question is answered as he opens the envelope. Only to be greeted not by Lily’s script, but Sirius Black’s neat cursive concealed within. The handwriting is not something he’d have easily forgotten, there’s an elegance to it that does not fit with this era. Sirius had once told him how his hands would be violently struck by his tutors at every perceived error; the lessons, though cruel, had stuck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus can’t comprehend why, but he allowed his fingers to trace the writing before he allowed himself to read the words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus read an explanation: a threat on his life were it to be found out Sirius had contacted him, Sirius’ words are vague though he mentions his mother's distaste for the thought of his friendship with a half-breed. A werewolf corrupting a member of the House of Black had not been too kindly looked upon. Maybe it makes sense, but he can’t help but wonder why the letter had been addressed by Lily? Why not James or Peter? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the letter offered only pleas for forgiveness, desperately and without ceasing throughout. It’s end only changing to offer a promise they will come for him. He hated Sirius even more for this, for making him feel pity for the 16-year-old boy pouring his soul into the letter. None of this is fair—he’d moved on, and here Sirius was, pulling him back to feelings he’d avoided. For years he’d stifled anything but hatred when it came to The Marauders, or that had been at least what he’d told himself. Screw Sirius for this, for trying to make him feel something more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Remus ripped the letter to pieces, before chucking the lot into the bin. He should leave them there, banish the letters from his life.. that one letter, though, pulled him, called to him. It’s sheer willpower that takes him to the next letters; searching for the dates to read them in sequence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Much of the same follows: each letter offered an explanation in Sirius’ hand, begging for forgiveness and ending with a promise that The Marauders are coming for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not until he came across the first letter in the sequence not addressed by Lily that the context changes. Now, most of the letters take a more diary format; they document Sirius’ life but all written as if spoken directly to him. The other’s are desperate pleas for forgiveness and updates on their search for him. It felt surreal living the last three years through Sirius’ words. To read that they’ve looked for him, tried to keep their promise to come. Not that it matters now, does it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck Sirius! How dare he? Remus had tried to imagine they’d ceased to exist for him. That they had died when his spirit did. They were dead! Padfoot, Prong, Wormtail and Moony were dead.. Weren’t they?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had vividly imagined their burial deep within the grounds of Hogwarts when he’d left that life behind. Still deep inside he’d known this was a lie he told himself. When he destroyed all photos they’d gasped for air with him as he desperately pleaded with his father to restore them. He’d feel them in those dark and lonely moments when his stomach growled for substance and his body shook for warmth, yet he told himself they were just ghosts. The problem with the letters was not that they brought back old feelings, but that they forced him to admit to himself that they’d always been here. Each of them living and breathing within him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t dwell on it now though, there was one last letter to read. It was dated the day before Sirius found him. Perhaps he should leave it unopened, but the powerful force that had compelled him towards the photo now demanded him to open the letter. He had exhausted all of his willpower to avoid opening it before now, and he really couldn’t resist any longer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear Moony,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I know where you are now. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to find you, but I’ve found you. I’m coming, this time for real.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t expect a warm welcome. I know we’ve been apart for so long, but I still know you, Moony. I’m sorry. I have to do this. I hope it won’t be needed but I need to be safe, I can’t lose you again.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I know you’re going to be mad, but I put a spell on this. Every time you pull away, every time you think of me, this letter will draw you towards it. The spell will end once you’ve read it. I know it’s wrong but I needed to tell you how I feel.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you Remus. I’m so fucking in love with you. I kept telling myself that time would pass and my feelings would change, but it’s always been you, Moony.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>After everything I’ve done, I know I’ve no right to say that. I don’t deserve your forgiveness nor do I expect you to still carry feelings for me. This is just a desperate plea for contact.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Everything will be on your terms. I’ve nothing to offer, no incentive to convince you. Just hope that you learn through my letters that we’ve never forgotten you, you’ll always be family.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Just please, Remus, contact one of us.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yours,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sirius.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry this took so long to put up, I got sick and wasn't able to concentrate on editing it. Hope you guys like it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. You're looking to me more and more like a godsend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>“<em>Can you feel it Rem?” Sirius shouts at him as the wind whips and hail tears at his flesh, Sirius’ voice just loud enough to be heard above the dim of the howling storm.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Yeah I can feel it, it’s a fucking hail storm! The whole of bloody Hogsmead can feel it!” Remus shouted back to him, adjusting his jacket as he did to cover his face from the on slot of ice pellets.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Sirius didn’t reply after that, he grabbed his arm dragging him along at a rapid pace as the boys sprinted through the raging storm. Remus had barely time to take in where they were going as he was yanked into as alley way. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Remus found himself pulled under an awning out from the onslaught of the powerful storm. The relief from hail hitting his body barely registered as Sirius’ body pressed far too close to his to keep them both securely under the small covering. Remus’ heart beat quickening at the sensation of standing far too close to the boy. He was certain somehow being this close to Sirius, the boy would feel his heart beat—feel somehow by the proximity the feelings he’d hidden – but there was no where Remus could go except back into the storm.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>It’s change Rem, can’t you feel it? Things are changing” Sirius prattled on, far too close. Remus’ eyes wandering to his lips as he spoke, they were far too close.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>What’s changing Sirius? It’s just a bloody storm.”</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Fuck Moony! Do you have to be so literal all the time? It’s not about the storm” Sirius laughed as he spoke, pure joy reflected in his eyes, despite the storm and their nefarious situation.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>What are you on abo...” Remus’ words cut off as Sirius lips crashed into his. Lips wet from the water dripping off their bodies meeting his in a heart stopping moment, perhaps it couldn’t truly be perfect but at the moment Remus could think of nothing more.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Sirius pulled away, chest heaving even though the kiss had not been long enough to cause a struggle for breath. He placed his forehead delicately onto Remus’ before he continued to speak “Us Moony, were changing” Sirius said, foreheads still placed together as both boys panted over the pounding of their hearts.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>I think Moony, that fifth year is going to be the best one yet” Sirius told him finally pulling away to take his hand, leading him quickly to follow the other students as they rushed back to Hogwarts to escape the storm. </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus woke up with a start, as he had almost every day since he’d found Sirius’ letters. Nearly 2 months now and he still couldn’t stop dreaming on him. Every couple of nights he’d find himself reliving at least one of his memories. Most of them moments with Sirius, from the mundane memories of sitting by the common room fire to the bigger moments in their short ill fated relationship. Though sometimes the other Marauders featured, the memories remained focused on Sirius. So much so that Remus had begun to suspect this was another of Sirius’ manipulation, perhaps the letter had contained some sort of dream altering spell.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The idea infuriated and frustrated him beyond his belief, though he continued ignoring it hoping the spell would become weaker with time. It hadn’t, dreams seemed to come more now and coincided with his need to flit through Sirius’ letters. Sirius had promised in his letter that once it’d been read the spell would wear off, this seemed to prove another lie. It seemed more and more likely that the only way to alleviate himself from the spell would be to confront Sirius, it was the one thing he didn’t want to do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Still the dreams were starting to weigh on him. They felt like just another form of a cage, though they lacked the bars of his ministry approved cell, they held him just as captive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was just another one of those things Sirius had been too privileged to understand. Sirius would never understand how captive his life had always been, how taking away yet another freedom from him would cause nothing but harm. Sirius didn’t understand that be it the ministry, poverty, or Greyback, Remus’ life had never been his to control and now thanks to Sirius while he begun to take control over one aspect another more precious was being stolen from him. His mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s this alone that has him writing to Sirius. It’s certainly not a desire to see the man, more a need to return his mind to a state of freedom. His fingers move instinctively with the biro writing out the sentences without really thinking about it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Black,</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Meet me at The Winchester Tavern, Hackney, Thursday 6pm.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Lupin</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s simple and direct, anything he wants to say can wait until he’s face to face with the man. The simple letter is all he needs, the only problem is finding a method to send it. Sirius had left the address for a response on his most recent letter, but it’s been a long time since Remus has owned anything quite as lavish as an owl. The Ministry owls would have to do when he makes his way there for his transformation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Three days later Remus found himself sat at the pub waiting nervously for Sirius’ arrival. He’d chosen a pub relatively close to the one he’d been working at, but not close enough that Sirius would know the exact location he was living in. His leg bounced up and down as he watched the clock tick closer and closer to the assigned time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His nerves had him show up over an hour early, he told himself it had been a buffer time in which he could bail on the meet up. He wasn’t going to bail though, he needed to do this, required this final meet to get Sirius out of his head and away from his life permanently. Remus had brought all of Sirius’ letters and the items he’d stolen with him, if he was going to have Sirius gone he needed all trace of him to leave with Sirius at the end of this meeting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As he waited he found his hand drifting into the pocket he’d haphazardly placed his stolen goods, there was one particular ring in the pile of jewels he’d found his fingers playing with far too often lately. It was a gaudy thing, two snakes, the tails overlapping to form a band and their heads nearly meeting to hold in between open jaws two large emeralds, on the inside of the ring was engraved with the words ‘Toujours Pur’. It was a rather ostentatious Black heirloom, but one he remembers well. Sirius had worn it on those first few days at Hogwarts, often spinning it on his finger as if the heirloom would correct the fractures caused by his sorting into Gryffindor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pawning it would have given him a small fortune, more than he could earn in several months of working at the pub. It felt rather ludicrous to be returning such an item. Made more ridiculous still by the fact that Sirius had loathed the thing by the time Remus was expelled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus was so mesmerized by his thoughts of the ring that he failed to notice Sirius’ arrival until the man was slipping into the seat opposite him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m glad you wrote” Sirius greeted as he took the seat. He looked tired, bags under his eyes large and dark in a way that Remus would have never expected from the exuberant boy he once knew. Sirius always seemed to have boundless amounts of energy, constantly staying up later than the others and still ready for whatever the next day held.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was odd seeing Sirius now looking so listless. Remus felt almost as if a completely different person sat opposite him now and who was truly to say the man across from him wasn’t that? Then again, perhaps it was just easier to tell himself that he was sat here staring silently at a stranger than to admit it to be the boy he so hated and yet still somehow loved. The last time he had seen Sirius he was at a crisis point, the demand for change so necessary in his life that he had a rather limited capacity to register his own emotions.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hatred, it was all he felt for so long that it consumed every fiber of his being. Sirius Black was the embodiment of that, every single ounce of hatred even that which he’d subjected on himself, had a name and a face, both of which belonged to the man before him. Certainly love had still held roots in the man before him but so intertwined with hatred that it’s toxicity became almost more unbearable than the hatred alone. It was nauseating now to look at the face of his hatred and see more in those eyes than pure unfiltered loathing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Remus?” Sirius’ voice echoed in his ears, feeling a world away and yet deafeningly loud as it brought an end to his stupor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I hate you” Remus says, more to reiterate the emotion to himself than to form any sort of conversation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If you know than why are you here? Why are you doing this to me?” It wasn’t why he came here, he’d come here to put an end to Sirius’ magical manipulation, but here faced with him Remus had to why. On his own the why had rarely mattered, now looking at the source of his pain it seemed like the only thing that did.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I need you” Sirius’ words put an end to any feeling he may have had beyond his usual hatred and brought rage searing through his veins.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Like hell you do! You didn’t even look for me! You got me expelled then abandoned me Sirius! And don’t you dare give me some sorry excuse about your parents threats, that never stopped you before! You fucking abandoned me Sirius!” Remus had enough, whatever fucking spell Sirius had used to get him here would have to be bared. He needed to get out of here, his yelling had drawn the attention of other patrons and nothing, no excuses could be worth this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus was out of his seat and about to leave when Sirius’ hand was suddenly on his arm stopping his motion “I was scared okay?! I was fucking scared..”</p>
<p>What started in a yell ending in a barely audible whisper, so painfully said that Remus would have felt pity towards the owner of the words had they belonged to another. The desired affect however was still achieved as he returned to his seat, though more in a morbid curiosity to their meaning than any empathy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Of what?” Remus’ voice apathetic as he asks,</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Of myself! What I did Rem. It was everything. Everything I fought not to be, I turned myself into the moment I sold you out. I couldn’t.. I never.. Every time I thought of you, every time I wrote to you, I felt like one of them, a true Black. I got scared, I couldn’t face you because then I’d know, you’d look at me and I’d be no different than my parents. By the time James got through to me you were gone and I knew just how much of a coward I’d been” Sirius spewed out at him, rapid in his speech yet his tone deflated.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I can’t comfort you Sirius, I just.. I can’t” This was all too much, everything about Sirius has always been too much, but he’s certainly not ready for this. There is no emotion Remus could feasibly say he’d be able to process with regards to Sirius right now to be honest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know. I’m not asking you to”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then what Sirius? What am I supposed to do with this?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The cards are in your deck Remus, I’ve no right to ask for anything” Sirius’ answer is in no way helpful, nor does it clear up any of the fog currently consuming his rational functioning.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I can’t see you right now, I’m not ready for that. I’m not sure I’ll ever be, I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive you” It’s the only thing Remus could think to say, his mind somehow working on overdrive while not being able to process anything. he can’t even remember why he agreed to this meeting, or did he set it up? There was surely a reason but right now he could only think about how badly he needed to leave, needed desperately some space to breath.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know. Would you write? It doesn’t have to be to me, even to Lils, just so we know your okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t have an owl” Perhaps it’s just a statement of fact, or a last desperate attempt to separate. It’s all Remus’ able to say regardless and he can only hope that Sirius takes it at face value and takes his leave without pursuing any more invasive forms of communication he’s almost sure he doesn't wants to be indulging in the first place.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“James has a muggle post office box” It’s such a mundane answer, yet so surprisingly James that it almost brings a smile to his face. Had it been James across from him it may have, just imagining James trying to figure out the muggle system enough to set up such a thing. It's not though, it's Sirius. Sirius, so much of his pain belonged to that name that he couldn't even comprehend why he was slightly indulging this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll think about it” there’s no promise in Remus’ words, only the doubts that he’ll ever follow through on such a thought. It's simply but that's it, all he could possibly say to the man right now. </p>
<p>With that their goodbye is silent, only a slipped paper with an address is exchanged to mark the end of the conversation. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just apologies for my lateness. Oh and the pub is a Shaun of the dead reference.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, I'm actually making a chapter fic!<br/>This is my <a href="https://writing-wrongs-and-singing-songs.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a><br/>Title is a song by Hole, and the chapter title is a lyric from said song<br/>I hope you guys enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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